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Seven Deadly Types of Job Recruiters
Collect them all!
Over the course of six months in my pursuit of a new job, I have talked to recruiters on a daily basis. I have communicated with or have been contacted by at least 100 recruiters. While there are a few good ones out there, I've found that the majority of them are just plain odd. I have put the most notorious oddballs into categories to help you decide which type you are dealing with. Unfortunately, I speak from personal experience and I have crossed paths with all of these types. If the recruiter you're dealing with exhibits any of the characteristics below...run!
1. The Broken English Speaking Recruiter
Characteristics:
If you get this recruiter:
Have some fun. Pretend you don't speak English either.
If you are this recruiter:
Come on! You can barely speak English, you can't pronounce my name and you can't leave an intelligible message on my machine. I know you're trying to work but so am I! Do you really think I am going to agree to let you represent me?
2. The Short Attention Span Recruiter
Characteristics:
If you get this recruiter:
Don't bother replying to his e-mails or phone calls. When he calls back say, "Who are you and what did you want again?"
If you are this recruiter:
Dude, drink some Red Bull, pinch yourself hard or do some jumping jacks?just pay attention for crying out loud! We're not that desperate.
3. The Pushy Job Salesman Recruiter
Characteristics:
If you get this recruiter:
Chin up! Put your foot down and don't let him talk you into anything that isn't right for you. When addressing him, add "bo", "o-rino" or "ster" to the end of his name (as in "Jimbo", "Jim-o-rino" or "Jimster").
If you are this recruiter:
Somewhere there are a few Buick dealerships that desperately need you.
4. The Distracted Recruiter
Characteristics:
If you get this recruiter:
Interrupt her to scream "No?wire?hangers!" at your imaginary children or dogs and then say sweetly, "I'm sorry, they just never listen". Forget it. You'll have better luck with your 3 year old son as your recruiter.
If you are this recruiter:
Never mind. You probably aren't still reading this by now anyway.
5. The Stalker
Characteristics:
If you get this recruiter:
Yikes. Tread lightly. Don't answer the phone. If you have to, lie and tell him you are no longer in the market because you are moving or have taken another job. If that doesn't do the trick, work it into the conversation that you carry a firearm with you at all times.
If you are this recruiter:
For the record, the author of this article is a huge burly easily aggravated man who lives in Nova Scotia and carves whalebones for a living.
6. The Unscrupulous Recruiter
Characteristics:
If you get this recruiter:
Give him an inch and you've given him a mile. Be tight lipped. If you want to have some fun, with all the seriousness you can muster, send him his organization chart back with God at the top, your mother second and you third.
If you are this recruiter:
Hey slime ball?Richard Nixon called. He wants his M.O. back.
7. The Ridiculously Overbearing Recruiter
Characteristics:
If you get this recruiter:
Be a mirror. Be just as overbearing and call her "honey" right back. When she calls you each day say "Wow! This is really weird, honey, I was just picking up the phone to call YOU!" Scan in her business card, touch it up to "make it better" and send it back to her.
If you are this recruiter:
Take a bath, a deep breath, a bottle of chill pills and calm the heck down. Seriously.
Alotta Candor is a staff writer and commentator for JobSchmob.com, the "lighter" side of the working world. She is proud to be a liberated ex-corporate office worker.